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The President giggled as he tossed the "Fairly Odd Parents" shaped cheeze crackers into his mouth. He did so love
the amenities on Air Force One. Suddenly, startled, he looked up as Don Rumsfeld burst into his in-flight office.
"Mr. President, we've got a crisis of unholy proportions on our hands. It appears that thousands...maybe millions
of people have vanished from around the world. But mostly from the southern United States."
"Oh my gracious me. Don, does this look like the evil doings of Al Qaeda?"
"Anythings possible Mr. President but the modus operandi just doesn't make sense. We are getting credible reports
of people simply vanishing into thin air. Not so much as a theatrical 'poof'. Mr. President, this looks to me to be...dare
I say it...a "rapturous" event as your ilk would call it."
"Who you callin' 'ilk' mister? Oh, I get it." President Bush then reflected on his career altering decision
to accept Jesus Christ as his savior. No more playboy George, new George was a responsible father and provider. Thirty years
of delinquency washed away in a baby pool, what a cool thing.
"Okay, Rummy, if, as you say, this is indeed a 'rapturous' event we need to assess the situation and determine a
solid course of action from which we cannot stray. The first and foremost question in my mind is this: Why am I still here?
I mean you're still here, that's a given, but me. Oh my god, is anyone in the administration AWOL?"
"Not for certain sir but Colin Powell and Paul Wolfowitz are currently unaccounted for."
"Oh, sure, that suck-up Powell would go, but Wolfowitz, he's a Jew. They don't go do they Don?"
"Not quite sure sir. We have a conference call set up with Rove in twenty, I'm sure he'll be up to speed on that
issue. In the meantime sir, if you'd please, we might want to get a better handle on this issue via the ...you know what."
The venerable Washington operative nodded to a wet bar in the corner of the Presidents office.
"Well Rummy, I guess if I'm ever going off the wagon now might be as good a time as ever. Call the kitchen and have
them send up some limes and hot sauce. That always throws Laura off. Hee hee."
"No, no Mr. President! The super-presidential database computer you had installed secretly behind the bar. You can
pull up the "Faith Based Citizenship Profiler" to see if this is indeed a 'rapturous' event or perhaps just mass
coincidental spontaneous combustion."
"Yes, yes, of course. I really never did get the hang of that thing. Why don't you log me on and check that, okay."
"Of course, Mr. President." In a flash Rumsfeld rolled up his sleeves and sat in front of the bar. Pulling back
on a bobbing head Pelican the wetbar folded back to be replaced with a very stylish flatpanel computer monitor and keyboard.
A simple DOS prompt asked him for the presidential password. He carefully typed it in: FRAGGLEROCK.
"Hey Rummy, ask it who got it right. Maybe that's why I'm still here, I sure hope I didn't pick the wrong frickin'
denomination. I put a lot of research into that. Check it out right now."
"Okay Mr.President. The Faith Based Profiler can not only tell us who is alive or dead but give us a breakdown by
faiths and personal habits." Rumsfeld had doubted the usefullness of John Ashcrofts $500 billion dollar program that
serruptitiously implanted brain sensors in every American during the third term but now it was paying off big time in buckets
of fun.
"Lets start with Catholics. Any catholics gone 'pffftt'?"
"Here we go. Okay, we have here, let's see, nope, no unnatural departures of Catholic souls on the scope. Ummm, huh,
okay here is how it looks so far Mr. President. We have Quakers going on a big scale, then let's see, there's some cultists
from Idaho and ...the big winners with several million souls delivered today, Assemblies Of God! That's it, everyone else
is S.O.L."
"YES. I knew it all along. I was right and you were wrong all the time. I am the big winner and you all are llllllooooooooooserrrrrrrrs!"
"Houah, Mr. President.
If the world is going to end soon, perhaps you should stock up on credit cards while you can...here's a great place to start.
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